


The Family She Chose

by Moomo



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Bratty Kids, F/M, Family, Mental Health Issues, Nursing, Parenting is a steep learning curve, Postpartum Depression, Subaki is an A+ spouse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-25
Updated: 2017-04-19
Packaged: 2018-09-02 02:06:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8647546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moomo/pseuds/Moomo
Summary: Snippets of Selena, Subaki, and Caeldori's lives together.Chapter 3: Selena seeks employment.





	1. Arrivals

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. No deeprealms  
> 2\. Children are born after the war  
> 3\. Selena stays in Hoshido
> 
> Also since I wrote about Selena being a natural mama, I want to explore what it would be like for her if parenting came a little harder. Selena is NOT a bad mom in this chapter, and I want to emphasize that. In fact, I'd say she's a pretty great mom.

Parenthood is not what Selena expected it to be. Odin and Laslow both told her about a “moment of clarity” when they first held Ophelia and Soleil respectively. Pure, unbridled love and joy that only grew with time. But Odin and Laslow are in Nohr with the rest of her friends, and Selena feels that loneliness and isolation acutely as she is trapped in a strange land with strange customs and no friends save Setsuna. Selena desperately wishes for Odin or Laslow to be here so she could grill them about how to be an acceptable parent, or at least how to effectively fake being a passable parent. Because, looking down at her own infant daughter, Selena feels absolutely nothing for the babe.

 

Caeldori is a fine child, Selena supposes. Healthy and strong. Yet she cannot will herself to feel even the tiniest smidge of maternal love for her own flesh and blood. At first, Selena reckoned that she was just a little late, a little slow, but it has been a month, and she still dreads even the slightest interaction with her daughter.

 

Selena remembers how Sakura, who delivered Caeldori, had instructed her to get as much skin on skin contact as possible.

 

“That will strengthen the parent-child bond and deepen the love between you two,” Sakura had told her on the most recent follow up visit.

 

 _I don’t want to hold her at all! I don’t want anything to do with her!_ Selena had wanted to scream.

 

During the nights when Caeldori’s cries rouse her from her sleep, Selena doesn’t get up, eager to mother her child. Selena feels tired near constantly ever since Caeldori’s arrival; fuming internally at her seemingly eternal lack of energy, Selena feels annoyance and resentment build at the infant keeping her awake. _Oh, you need milk? Well I need sleep! Shut up_! Instantly on the heels of those thoughts is guilt. _No parent ought to feel this way. Well I guess parenting is just another thing to add to your growing list of failures. Caeldori deserves better._ The guilt is not motivating though, and Selena feels paralyzed under its all-encompassing pressure. To that end, it is always Subaki who rises, without complaint, and soothes Caeldori back into sleep, only getting his wife if the baby happens to be hungry.

 

Subaki has been a perfect husband throughout Caeldori’s first month home, and Selena knows that she’s only made it thus far due to Subaki’s patience and care. He took time off work, does all the cooking and cleaning, waits on Selena’s every need and want, and dotes over Caeldori as if she is the single most perfect creation ever born.

 

One night, as Selena and Subaki retire to bed, Subaki thanks her for Caeldori, for being his wife and the mother to their child. With tears in his eyes from sheer emotion, Subaki expresses his gratitude and love. Guilt cuts through Selena like a knife. Would Subaki still say these things if he knew the awful things Selena thought and felt about their little baby? Guilt causes Selena’s own eyes to well up, and throat to swell shut. And if Subaki mistakes her actions for being touched by his own words, then all the better.

 

 

Selena figures that with Subaki by her side she can manage to keep herself together, but all good things come to an end eventually. Subaki returns to work tomorrow, and Selena is absolutely terrified to be left alone with her daughter. Because Camilla married and moved on, Selena has no work of her own, no excuses, to flee from her tiny tyrant.  

 

“Please don’t go,” Selena pleads as Subaki settles into the covers besides her.

 

“Oh darling,” Subaki sighs, wrapping his arms around his wife. “I have to. There is nothing I would love more than to spend all day with my family; know that I will miss you and Caeldori every moment that I’m away.”

 

Selena freezes in fear. Sensing her discomfort, Subaki rubs soothing circles on her back. “Lunch is already made and in the icebox. I’ll come home during my lunch break to see you both.”

 

Selena runs through the calculations in her head, half a day alone with the demanding little creature before a respite. _I can do half a day. I can manage that._

“Fine,” Selena cedes.

 

 

The next day is a disaster. Caeldori cries endlessly the instant Subaki leaves the house. It has been hours of endless wails and shrieks resulting in Selena moving closer and closer to her breaking point.

 

“Why won’t you stop crying?” Selena asks, voice teeming with hysteria. “You’re not hungry, and you’re not dirty. So why won’t you shut up?”

 

Caeldori wriggles in her mother’s arms, continuing to shriek.

 

Selena bounces on her feet, rocking side to side with her baby. “Please, please, please stop. I don’t know if I can take any more of this!”

 

Looking at her wailing infant, Selena runs through every possible way to quiet the little beast. _What would mom do?_

_Well, mom would never panic. She was always so patient and loving with me, and look how I repaid that. And I can’t even ask her now because I’ll never see her again._

 

Caeldori interrupts Selena’s thoughts with a shriek.

 

“Shut up you little hellion!” Selena snaps.

 

_Mom never yelled at me. No decent person would yell at a helpless baby. My baby’s not even a month old yet, and I’m already a failure as a parent._

 

Caeldori shrieks even louder.

 

Selena reaches her breaking point; she grasps her daughter under the shoulders, dangling her at eye level. Caeldori’s little head bobbles under its own weight.

 

“What do you want?” Selena screams at her baby, crying herself now. “You’re driving me crazy, and I can’t take it anymore! I hate you! I wish I never had you!”

 

The world seems to pause for a moment. Caeldori stops screaming, and Selena pauses to catch her breath.

 

_Oh, my god. I almost shook my baby. I’m a monster. I need to leave. I need to leave now. Now._

Caeldori starts shrieking again, but Selena doesn’t seem to hear it. Running to her room, Selena deposits the shrieking infant into her crib before breaking into a dead sprint out the door. Selena sprints wearing only slippers; she runs out the door and through the neighborhood and city, bumping into people and ignoring their ire. Selena sprints until her legs and lungs give out; she ends up collapsing in a forest.

 

Selena cries and cries. Nothing feels right, and everything’s empty. Logically, Selena knows she should be making some sort of plan. Where to go? What to do? However, Selena can do nothing but sob.

 

There were stories back in Ylisse, of mother’s who went mad. Babies shaken, thrown, suffocated with pillows, and otherwise injured or killed. Those women were severely punished, mocked, and ostracized by society.  

 

_And now I’m one them. I can’t go back. Caeldori deserves better. Subaki deserves better._

With that thought, Selena drifts off to sleep under the branches of Sakura tree.

 

 

 

Subaki is the one who finds her. He lifts her sleeping body up into his arms, shaking with relief.

 

“Are you hurt? What happened? When I came home at lunch and found Caeldori, I headed right out to find you. Don’t worry, Hana’s watching Caeldori now.”

 

Selena looks at Subaki’s earnest, non-judgmental face and starts sobbing again.

 

“I-I’m so _so_ sorry! I’m a m-monster Subaki, and you should a-annul our marriage!”

 

“What?! Selena, you aren’t making any sense!”

 

“I’m a t-terrible mother! I’m a terrible person! I deserve to locked up! I need to leave.”

 

Subaki frowns furrowing his brows, before making and executive decision. “We’re going to see Lady Sakura. Now.”

 

“But she’s can’t fi-”

 

“Do you trust me?”

 

“Of course I do!”

 

“Then we’re going to see Lady Sakura.”

 

 

Sakura looks concerned but professional as Selena explains how she’s been feeling for the past month since Caeldori’s arrival. Subaki holds his wife’s hand, concerned and shocked by some of her admissions, but there is no anger or disappointment present.

 

“I should have been more thorough in my follow-ups,” Sakura sighs once Selena finishes. “I apologize.”

 

“What?” Selena blurts out. “None of this is your fault!”

 

“And it isn’t yours either,” Sakura smiles softly. “You have post-partum depression. After birth, sometimes a woman’s body has difficulty readjusting to the changes in herself which can result in the symptoms and feelings you described Selena.”

 

Subaki’s grip tightens around his wife’s hand before loosening again.

 

“What’s that?” Selena inquires, genuinely confused.

 

“You’ve never heard of post-partum depression, the baby blues?” Subaki asks, shocked.

 

“Of course not,” Selena scowls. “Why would I ask if I knew?”

 

“Then what did you think was happening?” Sakura questions, voice gentle.

 

“I thought I was just a horrible person,” Selena admits, “that I was becoming a monster.”

 

Subaki pulls Selena into his trembling embrace as she finishes that statement.

 

“You could never be a monster. You are Selena, and I love you; don’t you ever let me hear you talk about yourself like that again.” Subaki takes a moment to calm the quaver in his voice. “I’m sorry. As your partner, I should have seen that you were doing poorly and brought you into Lady Sakura’s sooner. I promise to do better in the future.”

 

“In my homeland,” Selena begins as Subaki releases her, “sometimes new mothers got a ‘madness’ and they harmed killed their infants or themselves. They were usually punished severely. It was certainly nothing talked about.”

 

Sakura sighs deeply. “That’s part of the problem you know. Diseases of the mind are just like diseases of the body, and by putting a stigma on them and making them taboo, people are too ashamed to seek help until it is often too late.”

 

“Huh,” Selena gapes. This moment is the first time she had ever heard such a thing.

 

“As a healer, I took an oath to help and heal, to the fullest extent of my ability, all illnesses physical or mental.”

 

“So I can be fixed?” Selena jumps on that shred of hope.

 

“You aren’t broken,” Subaki reminds his wife. “You’re just a little bit ill, and Lady Sakura has treated many cases like yours before.”

 

“Yes,” Sakura chimes in. “I’ll get an apothecary to mix you up some medicine. Start taking it every morning and night, and you should start to feel better in the next few weeks. I will also ask Setsuna to spend some more time with you, introduce you to new people so you can build a social network and friendships in Hoshido. Your social isolation here isn't conducive for wellness.”

 

“Thank you Lady Sakura,” Selena sighs in relief.

 

“Also, Subaki is excused from his duties for another month. That’s final, by the way. Ryoma and the Pegasus knights will understand,” Sakura adds for good measure.

 

“Thank you Lady Sakura,” Subaki smiles and bows.

 

“I’ll go give instructions to the apothecary now, so your medicine should be ready by evening,” Sakura states as she gets up. Giving a small reassuring squeeze to Selena’s shoulder, Sakura heads out.

 

“I understand why you didn’t say anything,” Subaki begins, “but in the future, please don’t hesitate to tell me anything. For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, I meant those words then, and I mean them now. I will always stand by you and support you Selena.”

 

“Okay Subaki, okay.”

 

“Promise?”

 

“Promise.”


	2. Rude Babies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caeldori has terrible manners.  
> Featuring: Camilla, unintentional flashing, and Selena's unending embarrassment.

Selena haphazardly styles her hair into a tight high bun as she gathers the necessities of her diaper bag. Normally Selena never strays from her twin-tails hair style, but Caeldori is a grabby little baby and getting hair yanked and gnawed on constantly is a nuisance. Finished with her hair and packing, Selena grabs the diaper bag and her baby as she rushes out the door.

 

“Okay Dori,” Selena whispers onto the top of her baby’s head as she marches into Castle Shirasagi, “don’t be scared by Lady-I mean Queen Camilla.”

 

Caeldori looks up at her mother with big wide eyes. With such a cute little face, Selena can’t help but press a few light kisses on her daughter’s nose and tiny little mouth.

 

“Queen Camilla is really nice; she use to be my boss you know. So, don’t cry and embarrass me, got it?”

 

 “Yaa,” Caeldori grins and babbles, tiny little baby teeth showing.

 

Selena smiles back. “Don’t worry Dori, mamas just kidding. You could never embarrass me. You’re too tiny and cute for that!”

 

* * *

 

 

“Oh Selena darling!” Camilla welcomes as she settles her former retainer into a chair. “And little baby Caeldori too. How I’ve missed you my dears!”

 

“I’ve missed you too Lady- Queen Camilla I mean,” Selena returns as she settles her fussy little baby onto her lap and places the diaper bag on the table corner.

 

“Darling, you could just call me Camilla now that I’m no longer your employer,” Camilla sighs as she has one of her maids, brought over from Nohr, steep some tea and set out a few cakes before leaving. “We really need to have tea more often; I miss speaking to anyone from Nohr.”

 

“I’ve noticed, this is quite the Nohrian tea time you’ve set up milady,” Selena notes.

 

“Well, it makes the homesickness better,” Camilla replies. “Don’t you find that the familiar eases homesickness?”

 

Selena swallows the bite of her cake heavily. _I’ve had so many homes now that I don’t even know which one to miss anymore._ “Of course.”

 

Caeldori, tired of being ignored on her mother’s lap, makes her presence known by reaching for Selena’s unfinished sweets and babbling. “Cake!”

 

“Yes sweetie, that’s cake, and you can have a little,” Selena coos as she breaks off a little piece and feeds it to Caeldori.  

 

“Oh my,” Camilla giggles. “I can’t believe that little Caeldori is talking now. How old is she?”

 

“Just over one,” Selena answers, wiping the sugar off of her baby’s cheeks, “and her talking is a lot less charming after you’ve heard it for three hours straight.”

 

“Nonsense,” Camilla coos, reach out for Caeldori. “Can auntie Camilla hold you dear?”

 

Selena hands her daughter off to Camilla. Caeldori settles without fuss; she wasn’t too concerned with strangers, much to her mother’s chagrin.

 

“Oh what a little angel you are!” Camilla murmurs as Caeldori looks around, eyes wide and searching.

 

“Yeah, she is pretty great,” Selena brags.

 

“I think I may just have to steal her,” Camilla jokes, pressing a kiss onto Caeldori’s head.

 

“Okay, you may be my former employer and princess and my current queen, but you can’t have my baby,” Selena clarifies; she didn’t appreciate jokes about kidnapping her daughter.

 

“I suppose it would be easier for me to just make one of my own,” Camilla sighs moodily before grinning. “I guess I’ll just have to wait a few more months!”

 

“Lady Camilla!” Selena gasps. “Are you and Lord Ryoma expecting?”

 

“In about five months I’ll have a little one of my own to care for,” Camilla confirms.

 

“Congratulations!” Selena offers before turning her attention to Caeldori. “Say congratulations to Lady Camilla Dori!”  

 

Caeldori claps her little hands together and cheers. “Yay!”

 

Camilla and Selena discuss a wide range of parenting and baby topics while little Caeldori fumbles with whatever she can reach. As more time passes, Caeldori starts fussing more adamantly.

 

“Oh! what’s wrong my little sweetie?” Camilla coos and bounces the baby on her knee.

 

“Hungry!” Caeldori whines, wriggling in Camilla’s grasp.

 

“Well that little break was nice while it lasted,” Selena groans good naturedly as takes Caeldori back and settles her baby on her lap. “I think I have some mash up yams in the bag.”

 

“No!” Caeldori demands as her mom fishes through the diaper bag on the table. “Hungry!”

 

“Yeah, well I’m trying to get the food here so be patient please!”

 

“Hungry!” Caeldori shrieks now, upset that her mother wasn’t getting the message. Caeldori didn’t want yams; she wanted what was right in front of her, and she was going to have to get it herself. Reaching for the opening of Selena’s yukata, Caeldori gives the hardest tug she can manage. In her haste to leave the house that day, Selena didn’t tighten her sash to its usual snugness, and Caeldori manages to tug the yukata wide open. Selena gives Camilla a good clear eyeful of her breasts.

 

“Caeldori!” Selena yelps with her cheeks on fire, pushing her baby away and tugging her yukata closed. “I don’t know where to start with you!”

 

“Oh it’s fine!” Camilla laughs at her former retainer’s embarrassment. “It’s nothing I haven’t seen before, and we’re both women here. Nurse your baby if you need too.”  

 

Groaning, Selena settles back against the chair and prepares to nurse her spoiled little brat. Babbling happily, Caeldori immediately latches on and suckles.

 

* * *

 

 

Caeldori is asleep in her play pen, and Selena is reclining on the couch when Subaki gets home.

 

“Wait until I tell you what your daughter did this morning,” Selena grumbles before Subaki has a chance to say anything.

 

“Uh-oh, ‘your daughter’ can never mean anything good,” Subaki says as he removes his outdoor shoes. “Did something happen at tea with Queen Camilla?”

 

“Ugh!” Selena groans as her husband settles in besides her. “I flashed my former boss and the Queen of Hoshido.”

 

“I beg your pardon?” Subaki asks, dumbfounded.

 

“More accurately, your daughter made me flash my former boss and the Queen of Hoshido,” Selena clarifies. “She pulled my yukata open at tea because she wanted to nurse.”

 

Subaki pauses for a few long moments before bursting into uncontrollable laughter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Children will always wind up catching you off guard and embarrassing you.


	3. Employment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Selena's on a job hunt.

“Have you tried any other businesses?” Oboro queries as she pins some lace on her latest creation. “But it’s a bad season for hiring now.”

 

“Maybe I’ll pick my sword back up as a mercenary,” Selena deflects Oboro’s suggestion while finishing the embroidery of a blue bird on the garment’s left sleeve.

 

“You’re really quite good with a needle and thread there Selena, if you wanted, I’m always open to hav-”

 

“Thank you for the offer Oboro, but I’m not quite cut out to be a seamstress full time.”

 

“You could be a bounty hunter. It’s kinda like a mercenary but you wouldn’t have to answer to any clients.”

 

“What!?” Selena gasps. “Hoshido has those too? I thought only Nohr did that!”

 

“Well it’s not exactly a well-advertised profession,” Oboro backpedals. “In fact, you should forget I even mentioned it. Subaki would kill me if he knew I was the one who told his precious wife about bounty hunting.”

 

“Subaki doesn’t own me,” Selena snorts. “And what could possibly be so bad about taking criminals off the streets? There’s worse ways to make cash.”

 

“Bounty hunting is an extremely dangerous profession Selena,” Oboro chides. “You have a husband and a baby at home.”

 

“Pft, I’ve survived thr- A SINGULAR war! I doubt there’s anything more dangerous than that!”

 

Oboro sighs and turns away from her garment in order to face her friend. “Why do you want a job so badly anyways Selena? I know for a fact that, despite the massive amounts of things that you buy, you cannot possibly be strapped for cash.”

 

“Dori’s turning six soon, which means she’ll be spending full days in the castle with the other children for schooling. I refuse to sit at home and twiddle my thumbs all day,” Selena groans. “I mean your Kiragi’s only how old now, one year?”

 

“Almost. Ten months.”

 

“And you still find the time to actually work and contribute to society! You run your own business!”

 

“Contribute to society?! Are you even listening to yourself Selena? You fought in a war! You helped usher in peace between two feuding superpowers! So what if you’ve been at home for the past six years? Raising a child is no less valuable labour than being a warrior or being a tailor is.”

 

Selena grumbles a little as Oboro stares her down.

 

“Ugh!” Selena groans throwing her hands up in air. “I just want to feel useful again! Like I have a greater skill set than cutting Dori’s sandwiches into bunny shapes and making flower crowns!”

 

“Have you talked to Subaki about how you’re feeling?” Oboro reaches out and places a hand over her friend’s.

 

“Of course. He wants me to do whatever it is that’ll make me happiest. Perfect jerk.”

 

Oboro laughs at that. “Takumi’s the same with me. It’s nice having a husband that loves you that much.”

 

“Eh? No offense, but Prince Takumi has never struck me as a mushy gushy type.”

 

“Oh he’s just the worst! Especially with Kiragi!” Oboro giggles. “I can hardly even get a moment to hold my own son with how Takumi fawns over him!”

 

“Ugh, tell me about it! Dori’s favorite thing to do is have her papa take her on Pegasus rides; in fact, that’s probably what’s happening as we speak.”

 

Oboro sighs, drawing her hand back. “Kiragi is definitely his father’s son. I’m a little jealous to be honest. I guess I’ll just have to have another one!”

 

“What?!” Selena sputters out. “Kiragi is only ten months old!”

 

Oboro bursts out laughing. “Not right away silly! Maybe in a few years; it’s just that I want at least one more. How about you? Caeldori is almost six, you could have another one now, and the timing would be perfect.”

 

Selena flushes bright red. “Nonononononono! I am done having babies for the foreseeable future! I need employment, not another infant!”

 

“If you’re still hung up on the employment thing, have you thought about talking to Queen Camilla? I mean Reina was recently promoted to Captain of the Kinishi Knights, so Queen Camilla currently has nobody in her service.”

 

“Lad-Queen Camilla would be heartbroken if she heard you were still calling her by her title Oboro. I mean, you married her brother-in-law.”

 

“Stop deflecting Selena,” Oboro snaps. “I’m trying to help here. You were Camilla’s retainer before, why don’t you want to pick that up again?”

 

“I loved serving Lady Camilla,” Selena huffs. “But I’m not sure La-QUEEN Camilla would even take me again as a retainer. I can hear the gossip now: ‘Nohrian Queen in cahoots with old ally, plotting to usurp the throne?’”  

 

Oboro shifts uncomfortably. Selena isn’t wrong, and Oboro knows because she would’ve been the first person to think betrayal and usurping before Setsuna introduced her to Selena all those years back. The old prejudices and hatreds linger deep in the minds of Hoshidan people, born from years of war and cutting personal loss at the hands of Nohr.

 

“King Ryoma wouldn’t stand for such gossip,” Oboro offers. “He would never allow anyone to slander his wife like that.”

 

“He has grown much more protective since that last assassination attempt,” Selena concurs. “It took Princess Sakura two full days to cleanse the poison from our Queen’s body.”

 

Oboro shudders at the memory. She can still remember the exact tone of Shiro’s scream as he watched his mother fall at family dinner, blow dart in her arm.

 

“She left everything and everyone she knew and loved,” Selena chuckles humorlessly, “and for what? To be Queen to a country that despises her?”

 

Oboro doesn’t really know how to respond to that, but she tries. “Maybe she’d have a better time of it if you were by her side again Selena?”

 

Selena hums in neither affirmation nor dissent.

 

“Think about it.”

 

* * *

 

 

“La-QUEEN Camilla?” Selena calls as she knocks on the door of her formal lady’s office.

 

“Come in darling,” Camilla answers from within.

 

Selena pulls back the sliding doors, and walks on in.

 

“Hi Auntie Selena,” Shiro chirps from his little play area. “Where’s Dori?”

 

“Sorry squirt, Dori’s picking out her birthday cake for the party in two days. You’re coming, right?”

 

“Yes!” Shiro squeals. “I love Dori! She’s my best friend!”

 

Selena smiles, chest filling with warmth. _Gawds, motherhood has turned me into such a sap._

 

Camilla smiles at the exchange before gesturing for Selena to take a seat. “What did you want to talk to me about today my lovely Selena?”

 

“I’d like to apply for the position of your retainer,” Selena blurts out.

 

“Oh darling, you’re always welcome back to my service. You and Beruka both!” Camilla gushes as she envelopes Selena into her arms. “May I ask why you seek to return?”

 

Selena manages to detangle herself from her Queens before speaking. “Dori is going to be in school full time soon, and I really need to get back into working again.”

 

“So, you didn’t miss me at all?” Camilla pouts.

 

“Of course not milady,” Selena gasps. “Everyday spent out of your serv-”

 

“Oh it’s fine Selena,” Camilla chuckles. “I know what you mean. There is always a spot by my side for you.”

 

And thus, Selena finds herself picking up an old job.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On a personal note, ONE SINGULAR FINAL STANDS BETWEEN ME AND MY DEGREE. Then I too will need to find employment :(


End file.
